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Sticker Shock

I think the price estimate from a local wedding venue shocked me as much as my proposal. I know weddings are generally expensive, but I thought with my bare bones guest list, my date options, and finding a venue where just about everything that can be included is (less room for surprise extra expenses) that maybe, just maybe, the cost wouldn't seem astronomical. I find myself asking if it's all, even remotely, worth it for just one day. It's not a question I can answer at this time, and I don't know how to make it any cheaper really. I just think of what I could do with that money in a year and I have a hard time justifying an event I'd dreamed about half my life. I could pay off my car, fill the gas tank for a year, take multiple road trips, and probably have spending money left over. I could work half as many hours as I do now and snowboard and hike twice as much. I could travel. I could put a down payment on a house (or a good chunk of one) or furnish an entire house. I could buy groceries for years. And now, when I think about it, financially anyway, my dream wedding (although modest) seems absolutely absurd. I'm not one to give up so easily on my dreams, but I'm honestly at a loss and if I don't book a venue soon I'm not going to have one at all. Every weekend from April through October has multiple weddings scheduled already. I thought 10 months in advance would be enough time to figure things out, and boy was I wrong. *sigh*

My relationship, our wedding, the dirt...

I met Clayton 6 years ago on opening day at Breck. I couldn't tell you the exact date. I was supposed to be meeting up with another guy who was being particularly flakey, imagine that, flakey in Summit County. And well, the rest is history. Kinda.

Every year I try and take off work opening day, even before I met Clayton, and celebrate it as a holiday of sorts. Living in a resort town you eventually grow accustomed to working Christmas, Easter, New Year's Eve, and every major and minor holiday in between, so when you tell your boss you'd like off for opening day, when there are typically only one or two trails open, and tourists have yet to arrive, they generally can't argue.

So that's where our story starts, opening day, 6 years ago, in a hot tub.

This year was a bit of a challenge. For the first time (I think) in the 10 years that I've lived here, opening day was cancelled, more than once, at more than one resort. We had no snow. It was 60 + degrees out and I could have comfortably spent time in my tent. I took off 2 Fridays in a row for opening days that didn't happen. When Breck finally re-announced their season opening, I wasn't sure I could make it. Clayton was not happy. Clue number one. He was kinda insistent that I change my schedule, so I did. He said it was our anniversary. He just wanted to spend time with me, he didn't care about anyone else, and when I suggested we maybe go to Keystone for the opening of their park instead, he wouldn't have it. Clue number 2. Other clues were more subtle. If you didn't know how anti-relationship, and anti-commitment, and anti-marriage, and anti-everything Clayton is, you might not think anything of his mentioning that maybe he should just marry me, because after all, we can always get divorced ;) or him bringing up the idea of a ring (we'll come back to that).

So at the top of the lift, after we'd parted ways with some friends for a run, and we'd gone inside for some water and a little break, he comes back to our table and gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him. And I wan't entirely convinced I believed it either.

In the time we've been together I've thought of bailing on the relationship on more than one occasion. There was never anything bad that happened, or something wrong. Call it a biological clock, call it what you will, but at some point in my adult life I decided I wanted to get married, I wanted to have kids, I wanted to grow a family. I didn't want to date, I didn't want to be 40 and single in a bar in Breck with a bunch of drunk 19 year olds with fake ids looking for my life mate. Clayton never wanted these things. At least he wouldn't admit it if he did, so I feared I'd have to leave. I'd have to leave the man I loved to find a husband and a father that might not even exist. I felt like I was in a lose lose situation because if I stayed with Clayton I couldn't have these things, and if I left him, I wouldn't have him, and I may or may not ever have these things. My friends told me not to give up on my dreams. My friends told me to follow my heart. My friends told me I deserve a family if that's what I wanted. I didn't even know I wanted a family until I saw how good Clayton was with my friends' kids. My heart couldn't justify leaving a man I'd never had an argument with in all the years we dated, a man who never lied, or cheated, or let me down. So I stuck it out, I held my breath, I tried to hold onto my dreams without setting my expectations too high.

So when Clayton asked me to marry him I almost didn't believe it. (I don't know how long he'd decided on this and was waiting for opening day, at least 2 weeks, probably more) I gave him a hug, I said yes. He said don't think this changes anything. I said that's kinda the point. You've got a good thing going that you don't want to let go. I said except one thing. He said what's that, we get a house out in cowboy country? I said, well, that too, but I want to have a family one day. He said that sounds good.

So yeah, that's the plan now. We're engaged. We're gonna find a house out in cowboy country and have sheep and chickens and let the dogs run wild in the yard and a garden and some kiddos and I didn't have to pass up Clayton to do it! In the end he didn't let me down after all, and hopefully I'll never find myself single in a bar in Breck again.

Oh, and the Epic Mix photographer happened to come in and sit at the table next to us about 20 seconds after Clayton proposed, and the photos were a slightly delayed reenactment, and then I had a moment of panic because they auto post to my facebook and I was snowboarding and didn't have time to call or text or tell anyone anything and they all already knew and I hadn't even told my mother or my sister... and I was still dazed and in denial when we got home failing to believe the truth of it when Clayton was online trying to figure out how to change his relationship status and I was fielding the 40 messages I'd had online and on my phone.

Now that I answered the question of how/when he asked I'll answer a few more.

The ring. There was and wasn't a ring. When I was a little older than 10 my Great Aunt Mickie passed away. There was some family jewelry that no one really quite knows the history of. All the women got something (that looked sentimental and clearly wasn't costume jewelry). My cousin Ingrid and I, though both quite young at the time, were to be the next in the family to marry and each of us inherited an engagement ring. So I am finally, 20 years later, wearing my family engagement ring. I may have the stone put in a different setting for the wedding. My mom and I think it a bit old ladyish, but I might keep it just the way it is. It's staying this way for now anyway.

The wedding location. Yes I'd like to have a ceremony. Here in Colorado. Though I'd consider, maybe, sacrificing it if it makes a difference whether or not I can buy a house. Apologies to the families, but this is our home. I've lived here 10 years, Clayton about 7, and the thought of travelling to the East Coast for a wedding is stressful, and the thought of planning something long distance sounds near impossible. So we're staying in the mountains!

The wedding date. This is not set. I'm thinking next fall. Clayton says isn't that soon. I said it's 11 months, almost a year, and it's already been 6 years ;) Fall can be beautiful. Flights and lodging will be cheap for those that are travelling, and I think we'll get a better price on a venue. Also I doubt I could pull together anything sooner than that, and later would mean waiting at least until the following summer because I don't think winter is an option.

Other than that, I don't know much. I have a few tentative dream details in my brain. I'd like to have a bachelorette party with my girlfriends, or swing a vacation. Maybe something as mild as Blackhawk or as wild as Costa Rica. We'll see. What else? I dunno. There's a lot to figure out, but it's nice knowing Clayton and I are on the same page after all.
I think somewhere along the line I have lost my way. I have touched on this before. I think Herbalife makes a great product, but being part of an MLM is not a great business model for me. I hate selling. I hate selling myself. I hate selling a product. I have had sales jobs before and I liked all the parts of my job except the selling parts. I worked at a furniture store and loved design and learning about the product and going to peoples' homes, but I hated being on the sales floor. I hate the strain it puts on my friendships. I hate that anytime I invite someone somewhere or to something they think that I am trying to sell them something. Just because I am on an Herbalife nutrition plan does not mean I think you should be on one. This is one of the reason I'm a failure at the grand (or not so grand) business model this company has set up. They preach that we should be changing lives, changing the nutrition habits of the world one mouth at a time. Look it up. That's the gist of it. However, in all honesty, even though I care about my friends, I don't care what they eat. I don't care if they choose to eat fast food and cupcakes and pack on the pounds. You can be as unhealthy as you'd like. It's your body, it's your life, and you are the one who will subsequently feel like crap. I don't care if others lose weight or gain muscle as long as they aren't ill, as long as they can still do the activities they want to do. I aspire to be healthy and strong and climb mountains and spend days on end out in the wilderness. I have changed my nutritional habits to support this lifestyle. Some people aspire to sit home, watch movies, play video games, quilt, paint, read, and their nutritional needs are different. So I'm done. I'm not quitting on my personal nutrition plan, but I'm not pretending I care what my friends have for dinner. I'm not asking them to take a look at a product because I don't care if they buy it or not. I just want to spend time with my friends. I will be selfish and I will take care of myself, and I will hope that they take care of themselves, and if they ask for help, I will give it to them. I will share my knowledge of nutrition on a need to know basis ;) I never wanted to open a nutrition club, and I still don't want to. I want to be outdoors, pretty much always. I don't want to be tied to a strictly retail establishment that needs to be staffed 7 days a week.

I need to get back to the real reason I got involved in the first place, my true passion. I need to focus my energy where it belongs. I started Beyond Backpacking to get people outdoors into the wilderness. To help them travel. To help them escape. To offer them the experience of a lifetime with as little stress as possible. Backpacking and hiking puts a huge physical strain on the body. I want people to feel good out on the trail and to have fun. My meal packages are part of that. They are not the big picture, but an intricate piece. People go to all inclusive beach resorts on vacation all the time. This is a business model I can follow. I strive to offer an all inclusive wilderness vacation. All you need to pack is your clothing, and I'll even give you a clothing list. I will continue to offer the best gear I can because this is the equivalent of your lodging, and I will continue to put together the most nutritious meal packages I can, and people will be happy and full and well nourished, and Herbalife may or may not continue to be part of that. My meal packages will undergo the same annual evaluations as my gear packages. From season to season I will learn from my experiences and adjust accordingly. I will likely drop some products and pick up others. Pricing will fluctuate. Destinations will fluctuate. Food choices will fluctuate. Businesses succeed by playing on their strengths and learning from their mistakes. Business is not static. My life is not static. My friendships are not static.

And now I move on.

Dec. 6th, 2014

Your own insecurities make you ugly.

-->One way relationships-->

Apparently I’m an unkind two faced mean bitch who plays passive aggressive games and I need to watch my back. There was some filler in there, but that’s the gist of it. This is what being honest and up front got me tonight. This is what trying to be a friend got me. This is what trying to avoid conflict got me. This is what giving someone another chance after I caught her in a lie got me. Oh that’s right. I never told her that I caught her in a lie. I wanted to believe she was better than that. I wanted to avoid conflict. I wanted to stay friends. I wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen again. I guess I can’t say the lie happened again but the temper flared up again and this time it was directed at me. A temper is a dangerous thing. I should know; I have one myself. I don’t have much patience. I am irritable. I get frustrated. I try not to take it out on other people, especially when they are not intentionally the direct cause of my ire. I am not perfect. It does not always work out that way. I hereby apologize to all friends past, present, and future (who knows what might set me off down the road) who I have unleashed my temper on unjustly. That being said, I have kept things in check lately. I was not the one who snapped. I tried not to get involved. I walked calmly away. I don’t need drama when I just want to smooth things over.

Here’s the deal. Clayton and I are getting married (I know, I still haven’t finished writing on that one). You don’t have to like him and you don’t have to like it. He doesn’t like all of my friends and I don’t like all of his friends, but he likes some of them and I like some of them. I respect that he is friends with them and I just don’t get involved with the ones I don’t like. I don’t cause drama, I don’t talk shit, I respect their relationship, and I steer clear. I don’t expect him to do everything with me and I try to continue to have friends and a life outside of our relationship. I want to do what I want to do whether he is in it with me or not. Hell, I’m going to New Zealand for 3 weeks alone (that’s a whole new topic). Good news everyone (I am stating this as the Professor on Futurama), if you don’t like Clayton and you don’t approve of our relationship, we can still be friends provided you can be civil. If you think I am making a terrible mistake in this marriage, feel free to tell me about it, but you’d better have something to back up your arguments other than you have a personality conflict. Your sob story about me ruining my life better be about something substantial, lying, cheating, drug use, violence, the horrible things he does behind my back, I dunno, I think you’ll have a hard time with this one. He’s been nothing but loving and kind to me. He’s honest and up front and there’s no bullshit about it. He’s better with kids and dogs and cats than he is with most adults, and there’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll be a good father some day. He treats me with respect and takes care of me (and Sunshine) and shares his knowledge and his heart. He brings me coffee in bed, he rides at Keystone, he comes home after work to take the dogs on the trail so I can work on my own business. I don’t want drama in my life, he doesn’t bring it, and if you can’t be an adult and be civil I’m not sure what to say.

Speaking of drama… I had another friend ask me this week to testify in court. The case has nothing to do with me. I know nothing about it. I’m still totally unclear what I’m supposed to testify about or how it has anything to do with me. Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t. I’m not connected to the case whatsoever. Talk about bringing me into drama.

And of course my family wants me to come home for Christmas, but it’s not really going home, it’s going to NC and the extended family won’t be there. And the cheap plane tix are $800 and I have no PTO, and it’s not that I don’t want to see them, but 12 hours of travel each way to be somewhere for 24-48 is a lot, and it’s stressful, and why am I always expected to fly east? Why doesn’t anyone fly west? It’s my birthday. I want to snowboard and snuggle and spend time on the trail, not time on the road and at the airport. I would gladly cook a feast if I thought anyone would show up to eat it. The year of my brother’s wedding I flew east 6 times (not all for the wedding, but all for various family affairs), it’s been at least 5 years since he’s flown out here, and most of my family has never been here at all (I have lived in CO for 10 years now, my driver's license is actually about to expire). I’m not bitter, just disappointed. I love them and I miss them and I’m expected to fly east always but it’s no easier for me than it would be for then. Am I again pouring my heart into one way relationships? Wow, full circle, I think that’s where this post started, with me pouring my heart into a one way relationship and being told to fuck off. Harsh.

So if I can’t count on others I can count on myself. I am strong. My one and only grandmother would tell you I’m independent. And I am going to New Zealand. Alone. And I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve never travelled overseas. I’ve never been backpacking for so long or spent so many nights in a tent alone, and I can’t wait. I never for a minute wanted anyone to join me on this trip. It’s not that I don’t love my friends (or my fiance), but sometimes you gotta do things for yourself. I am a firm believer in the notion that it’s ok to be selfish because if you don’t care enough to take care of yourself, who else will? Who best to chase your dreams than yourself? The other day I had two separate totally unrelated friends express an interest in following my trip online. Even though I fancy myself a bit of a writer, I hadn’t really thought about it. I write for myself generally and not for others. Also I am rarely satisfied with my travel writing because it’s such an intense magical personal experience I never feel I can adequately capture it. Additionally I was not planning on carrying a computer, pen, paper, etc. nor do I plan on having cell service or internet access or anything on my trip, I will be in the wilderness and need to carry everything on my back for the better part of a month. I’ll need to think on this.

That about sums it up, aside from the engagement, which I shall write about another day.

Too Busy: A lesson in courtesy

Be Honest. Too Busy is a weak excuse for not eating healthy. It’s probably the most common one I hear, and the biggest lie out there. Let’s face it, we all eat, every day, busy or not, or else we’d wither and die. That’s the truth of it. Aside from those of you starving yourselves, we all find time to eat. It doesn’t take any more time to eat something that is healthy vs. something that is not. I could be extremely literal here and say the seconds it takes to chew and eat a protein bar vs. a candy bar are the same. I’m not buying it. You are not Too Busy to make healthy food choices. I challenge everyone to stop lying to me and stop lying to themselves and figure out what the real reason is because I don’t know a single person who is genuinely Too Busy to eat.

What you are really saying is “I don’t care.” I don’t care enough about the one and only body I will get in this lifetime on this earth. I don’t care if I have enough energy for my busy life. I don’t care if I feel sluggish and crappy all the time because I don’t care enough to make healthy choices and change my eating habits. What you are really saying is I’m 100% ok with my body and the way I feel right now and I don’t care enough to change because I’m happy with the status quo. Think about it. We are not Too Busy to eat.

When I call or text or send a FB message to friends to invite them to snowboard, to take a look at Herbalife, to come to a campfire, etc. I don’t want to hear the excuses. I am inviting you because I think it would be fun, you are my friend, I’d like to see you, we all have busy lives, I probably haven’t seen you in awhile and I wish we could hang out. I don’t enjoy going to the bar. I’m gonna tell you that straight up, I’m gonna be honest. I hate drinking and I don’t like being around other people when they are drinking. It makes me uncomfortable and I get irritated and I shut down. I don’t care if you drink, that’s your choice, but I don’t want to be around you when you do it. What I do like are healthy active activities, preferably in the outdoors. I love being in nature. It heals my soul and clears my head and makes me feel like all is right in the world even when it’s not. I want my friends to be able to feel this way too. I want to share these moments with others. That is why I invite people to come with me to walk with the dogs, to come to fit camp, to snowshoe, to backpack. I know it’s not everyone’s thing, and that’s ok. I respect that, but I ask that you respect that this is my thing. I don’t want my friends to think that because I have an outdoor business and a nutrition business that I’m always trying to make money off them when I call them. The fact of the matter is that I loved these elements of my life first which is why I have recently chosen to make a career out of them. If they were part of my line or work or not, I would be inviting you to participate in the same sorts of activities because that’s what I love to do, and as I’ve said before, I hate going to the bar.

So now for the response. I will say it again, be honest. If you are not interested, just say “thanks for the invite, but I’m not interested.” If it’s the specific activity that you don’t enjoy, maybe offer an alternative activity, because the real reason I’m calling is probably because I want to see you, I don’t necessarily care what it is that we do. If it’s the date/time that’s the problem because you work or have other plans, I understand that too, but maybe instead of just saying no, offer an alternative day or time when you are free, because what it comes down to is, I probably just want to see you. My feelings won’t be hurt if you say no, especially if you offer an alternative. My feelings will be hurt if you lie.

Don’t lie about why you can’t/won’t come over or hang out or do whatever it is that I’ve invited you to do. I don’t tolerate liars. Also don’t lie and say you’ll be meeting me or attending the event when you won’t because you think you’ll hurt my feelings by turning down the offer. It hurts way worse to be stood up than it does to be turned down in the first place. Don’t say you’ll walk the dogs then not show up, don’t say you’ll be at a campfire then I make a special trip to Breck to meet you and wait around an hour for you not to show. Just be honest, and I promise I won’t be mad at you, we can still be friends, after all we all have a lot going on in our lives, not everyone has the same priorities, I respect your kids, your jobs, your relationships, and your prior commitments. Be Honest.

Don’t ignore me. If I leave you a voicemail call me back. If I send you a text, text me back. If I message you of FB message me back. Even if your response is I’m sorry I can’t make it or I’m sorry I’m not interested. Not replying and leaving me hanging says “I don’t value you enough to even reply.” Why should I continue to be friends with people who don’t respect me enough to answer my questions honestly when I ask them. I am inviting you to do something because I like you, I value you, I want to hang out with you. If you do not even reply with a no, I’ve gotta work or whatever your reason may be, then why should I bother to invite you to do anything again? Or maybe you don’t want to be my friend any more but don’t know how to be honest and tell me that. If you don’t want me to invite you to hang out any more, tell me, and I will leave you alone. I won’t interfere with you if you are Too Busy to be my friend.

“Excuses are the nails that build the house of failure.”

90 Reflection:

So I set out on a mission. A 90 day challenge, to help grow myself and help others. There were a lot of reasons I did it, but what I got out of it now is not quite what I had expected. The challenge involved physical fitness, workouts, eating healthy, sharing recipes, sharing positivity and motivation. It wasn't easy, and I worked hard not to let the others in my group down and to be a good role model and motivator. I felt like I needed outside motivation myself. I was disappointed that one by one I stopped hearing from my support team and by the end of 90 days I feel I am the last one standing. I suppose that says something of my own character. My 90 days weren't perfect, I sometimes ate junk food, I skipped out on workouts, I posted things days late, but I continued to push myself and I continued to try to push and support others. I like to think that even when my group members didn't respond they were still listening and growing from the tips, workouts, recipes and support I tried to give.

Food:
As a result of this I am more aware of my food choices every day. I feel guilty when I "cheat." I feel I must confess to someone every time I eat a doughnut or have a soda. I was complimented at the grocery store for all the good stuff in my cart (all fruits and veggies). I learned and attempted new recipes. I'm better at prepping and packing food for work. I've been consistent with my shakes and vitamins, and even on the days I've had hardly any sleep (and between visiting family and a new kitten there have been a quite a few), I still feel pretty good. It's easier to make good decisions. I didn't stock up on Halloween candy, and there are no snacks in my house. Snacks consist of trail mix, fresh fruit, and granola cereal.

Exercise:
So I still don't like working out, but I like feeling fit. My routines evolved into more time on the trail with my dogs which is where my passion really lies. Now that the clocks have changed it's harder because there's no room to work out in my house, I can't afford a gym pass, and there's no daylight before or after work. We're working on getting into our night hike routine and I've busted out the headlamp and headed into the woods on the trail in the dark alone with the dogs. Snowboard season has begun, and my real purpose for working out in the fall is to prep for this and my purpose for working out in the spring is to prep for soccer and now that it's snowing (we've got a foot today and counting) the real workouts begin as I get to play on the mountain daily and that kicks my butt into shape more than anything else.

So 90 days have passed, but the challenge is not over. It is part of what I will do daily. I will be active daily, whether it's walking the dogs, or riding, or even just a nice long stretch. I will do something for my physical health daily. I will continue to budget and shop once a week to set myself up for success at work. This continues to be my struggle. Dinner is easy, and going out to lunch would be easy, but packing a healthy breakfast/lunch daily is better for my body and better for my wallet. I will continue to be accountable for my choices and actions and I'd like to continue to motivate and inspire others, perhaps that is why on the heels of this I am launching a weight loss & muscle gain challenge here in Summit! It's gonna be a good one, stay tuned for details!

Do not suggest I quit; I won't have it.

OK, I have a lot to say, and as usual, I’m not sure how to say it. I don’t want to be mean or rude, but I’m at the end of my rope. Give me a little slack and give me a little credit. I’m a smart woman. I’m an adult. I’m a hard worker.

I have started my own business and it is hard. Really hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. It is painfully apparent why so many businesses fail in their early years. I could use advice and guidance and help in many many ways. I admit this. Do not be rude, do not be condescending, do not be snide, do not be negative. I have enough negativity and shut downs from the government, from the town, from the forest service, from the Summit Daily, from Meet Up, and the list goes on. Be caring and upbeat and supportive and POSITIVE. Offer your suggestions in a way that helps me grow. Tell me what I can do, what I can try, who I can reach out to. Don’t tell me what I can’t do, what I’m failing at, what I don’t do enough of.

It’s hard to stay positive when I work 40 hours a week at my day job and then work as many hours as I can mentally handle at growing my own business. It may not always seem it, but I am always working. I lie in bed at night struggling to sleep, despite exhaustion, because thoughts of how to grow my business and how to be successful are churning in my brain. And then I still try to have a personal life. I try and spend time with Clayton and Sunshine and Nollie and my friends and go out to dinner and go hiking and camping and travel and read and work out and play soccer and how many hours are there in a week? I think I ran out.

I am in debt. A lot of it. I have a new car, and now repair bills, and a business loan, and a mortgage. I brought it all upon myself. I take full responsibility for it. It is part of this process towards getting ahead in my life. I have made myself a payment plan and a budget, and it will get paid off, eventually, and I’m going to try not to worry about it. I need my car to get to work and to travel and get to trails each day. I need a roof over my head where I am allowed to have my dogs. I need certain supplies and insurance and licenses to operate a business. So I will pay for them a little at a time each month for the next 2 years. I’m on a 2 year plan for many things, and my finances are just one of them. I am not going compromise my values, I am not going to become a stripper or a drug dealer, or put my dogs up for adoption, or foreclose on my home or have my car repossessed, or sign my first born into slavery. I will stick to my plan and continue to work hard and be honest and be strong and be reliable and be efficient.

Do not ask me if I am giving up. Do not ask me if I am doing this again next summer. This is the most insulting thing I have heard lately. I am just getting started. I am just figuring things out. I haven’t even been open for 3 full months. Just because some of the things I have tried have not worked out doesn’t mean I should quit, close down, cut my losses. Fuck you. Who quits following their dreams that easily in such a short time. It’s downright insulting. Don’t suggest I quit. Don’t suggest I give up. Give me suggestions to continue, to grow, to strengthen. If you can’t do that, then keep your mouth shut. Other people’s lack of ambition and lack of drive does not have to slow me down. I will keep swimming with my head above water.

Aug. 21st, 2014

So Clayton is mad at me for reasons unknown muttering that I'm an asshole and he has to sleep on the couch. I'm utterly clueless and he won't explain himself or what I have totally inadvertently done to work him into this state which is nothing short of infuriating.
my cognitive side wants to look at my emotional side as they are not always on the same side, what's the difference one may ask...

bam!

e·mo·tion [ih-moh-shuhn]
noun
1.
an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

that's what i thought;)

perhaps i should stop using logic based on semantics as it's lost on those who (ok I won't categorize) we'll just say it's lost on many

action on the other hand

ac·tion [ak-shuhn]
noun

3.
an act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity:

but what we get in real life is

be·hav·ior [bih-heyv-yer]
noun
1.
manner of behaving or acting.
2.
Psychology, Animal Behavior .
a.
observable activity in a human or animal.
b.
the aggregate of responses to internal and external stimuli.
c.
a stereotyped, species-specific activity, as a courtship dance or startle reflex.